Department of Mass Confusion

Words that strike fear in the hearts of every American: Department of Motor Vehicles. Well, maybe not fear, but a pretty hefty case of loathing. Before you ever enter the hallowed halls of the County Court house you are run through a metal detector and then strip searched. You climb to the second floor and take a number and a seat. On your first trip through, you fail to realize you don’t have all of the required documentation (some of which they are making up as they go) until the clerk behind the counter sneers and gives you the “what an idiot” look and tells you to come back when you have it all. The second time around, you have the required documentation, but as she looks over the Tennessee title, she notes that the lien was under UP Bank, while the lien release was stamped Union Planters Bank. “Those aren’t the same” she says, “UP could stand for United People. You’ll need a one-and-same form.” I feebly object, “UP Bank has been Union Planters since before the Civil War. Everyone in the south knows that.” (Did I mention, UP Bank actually no longer exists – it was taken over by Regions Bank.) “I’m sorry you’ve wasted your time, you’ll have to come back when you have the proper documentation.”

Second round. Tag team with a mega-bank answering system. No I don’t know the party’s extension, I would just like a human voice. When I finally connected with a human voice, I decided the machine was friendlier. I explain my situation to the disinterested party on the other end, “All I need is a one-and-same form.” I’ll need your VIN #, your loan #, your SS#, your mother’s maiden name, three references and a credit card (I’m only making half of that up.) “All I need is a letter verifying that UP Bank is the same as Union Planters Bank.” “We can’t do that.” “You’re kidding, right.” “If it was that easy I’d just tell you over the phone – we have to send this through the loan department.” “I already have the lien release, and the clear title. I just need a letter fixing what your loan department screwed up in the first place.” “Sir, you can either give me the information…” “Okay, here goes…” She puts me on hold. 15 minutes later she comes back on “Mr. Roberts?” “Yes, I’m still here.” And then it happens, that sound your cell phone makes when it drops a call. She is gone. I quickly hit redial, and another voice answers. I ask if I could speak to the lady who was helping me seconds earlier. “Do you know her name?” “No, I didn’t catch it. Are there several people answering the phone there?” “There are hundreds.” “Oh, no. I guess I have to start all over… All I need is a one-and-same form.” “Yes sir, I’ll need your VIN #, your loan #.....”

What is Charlie Brown says when Lucy pulls the football away just as he’s about to kick it? “Arghhhhhhh!”